End of a really trying year!

Two days left and it will finally be over. I am so glad to see this year put behind us. It has been a long and trying year. No, I can't say that it has been all bad, but it has had extreme moments that I don't wish to live through again. I am hoping that this next year will be a great year not only for us, but for everyone out there that is struggling right now.
I am still looking for work. Almost three months now, that I have been looking for work and still nothing. I am beginning to feel like I will never get a job and I am applying for just about everything that I can feasibly do.

I have a few loose ends that will hopefully get all wrapped up by the end of February and then it is a fresh start for us and hopefully no more bug a boos from the past to bother us anymore.

I hope to get a fresh start with someone that I am crazy about this next year. I can't seem to get over him and you know how it is, when it is meant to be it is meant to be. So, now I just have to wait and see.

Happy New Year and stay safe!!!!!

Unemployed, Bankrupt and Christmas

This is going to be my third Christmas as a widow.
The stores that my husband was part owner of, are all gone.
I have lost our dream home as well.
I am looking for work everyday and haven't found anything yet for over two months now.
I've had to file for bankruptcy and now we, my daughter and I, are living on next to nothing.
Christmas is just around the corner and I can't afford squat. All the cheery holiday commercials and the stores with all their special goodies, depress me to no end.
I can't help feeling that I am failing here. It's been a long year and I hope that this next year will be a much better one. I am tired of all the drama and it just keeps coming, no matter what I do. I've been a goody two shoes all my life and I swear I deserve to be happy. I am a good person. But, I can't seem to catch a break.

The love of my life is once again absent this Christmas and who knows if we are ever going to get it together at this rate. He just won't let it get anywhere good and makes all kinds of bullshit excuses. I won't regret loving him though and I won't hate him. It's just sad. Plain sad.

I don't want to live to be an old woman at this rate. I am tired. I have stopped enjoying life and I have stopped enjoying the holidays. I live for my daughter, which is a very dangerous way to live, because what am I going to do if something, God forbid, happens to her?

I feel beaten down and all worn out. I've been hounded and pounded into the ground so much! I am feeling really tired and all used up. Nothing that I say or do is ever good enough. I am never good enough.

Sorry, I am just in a really bad place right now. I've had a really long day and the last two months or so, have been very sad and I am just worn out.

Move along to a more cheerful person because there is nothing good here right now.

LEARNING TO FLY: I got married at twenty-three

LEARNING TO FLY: I got married at twenty-three

I got married at twenty-three

It's hard to believe that so much time has passed since my wedding day on September 21, 1985. I was only twenty-three and still living at home. My husband Bruce Lee (his American name) was six years older and pretty new to this country. He had only been here since October of 1983, I had been here since 1971.
He wasn't my Mr. Right, but he was a sensible choice and I loved him. We had the usual ups and downs that a marriage will have. We had no illusions of a fairytale life. A happy ending takes work and lot's of it. We didn't rush into having kids and took our time getting settled into married life.
We vacationed once a year, since Bruce had a tendency to be a bit of a workaholic. Funny how we try so hard not to marry our fathers and we end up doing just that sometimes. My dad was always a great provider, but that is the best thing that I can say about him to this very day. Anyhow, vacations were the glue that kept our marriage together, that and special days and holidays. Thank God for those.
We had a beautiful daughter in 1992, after taking Bruce back to the Azores, where I hail from, to show him my old stomping grounds. He loved it so much that he wanted to live there one day, six months out of the year. After that we settled down to raising our wonderful daughter Vivien and Bruce became quite an entrepreneur. Along the way we started to fall apart. What he was doing became increasingly more important than us, his family. He lost himself along the way and by the time he was taken from us on August 13, 2006, we were practically just roomies. As I suspected for a very long time, he had been unfaithful for years. Quite a blow, having been a devoted wife, but can't go back now and change things. At least I can say that we toughed it out and never got a divorce and my daughter didn't come from a broken home.
I have lived the life of a widow for a little over two years now and I swear that my daughter and I have packed a lot of living into the last two years. Bruce was murdered ten minutes before closing time at one of the stores that he owned at the time. His murderers are still at large. Nothing was taken from the store and we are still waiting for a break in the case. Anyone with information regarding his murder should call the San Jose Police Department Homicide Unit. It would bring us great peace of mind and it would be greatly appreciated.